I never thought such a thing was possible, you would never do such a thing, there would be no goodbyes. I believed in this. I believed in your words. You said you couldn’t live without me, my sadness and my pain, you felt it more then I. Tears are flowing, It doesn’t stop even if I harshly wipe them away numerous times. You are flowing, even if I try erase you, it’s embedded in me. You and the memories of you. The only reason I hate you is for you abandoning me. The way we were before, just like a movie, of course theres to be an end. This chasing after your distant figuire needs to stop, so I halt, turning around. It’s hard though… Even one step in the opposite direction. I stand allowing the stubborn tears to flow with my back turned to you. I knew it would hurt, I told myself. Over and over. But no, it hurts a thousand times more. I wasn’t prepared for this, I was never prepared for any of this. I’m afraid of living with my eyes open, even if I were to search for you, I won’t be able to see you. So then, Instead of yearning for you… maybe living with my eyes closed is better. I’ll take a step away from you one day, but for now, as long as I can turn away from you - from the feelings. Then I’ll be fine.
I will be fine, won’t I?
-Trying to turn away.
It’s like you held my hand and walked me into a enormous crowd of busy people, all rushing to get nowhere. It was fine because you were holding me, it was comforting and warm, the further we walked the more comfortable I felt. Until my hand suddenly felt empty and you disapeared… I suddenly realise how many people there are and felt worse then a claustrophobic person as my eyes search for you, being painfully pushed by these people who rush into darkness. It seems as though I’ve lost you in this tormenting crowd, struggling to find as you drop me into this hell called ‘Love’ that you fabricated with beautiful lies and promises. Words that guaranteed us a life now hurriedly brush past me as figures I can’t make out as they disappear into the emptiness I feel, everything turns unclear. As I sat there, having fallen to the floor by these pretentious memories that roam around me in lifeless vessels rushing to get away, I realise what I haven’t all along. You were the one who purposely let go of my hand after having lead me to the place, yet why am I still sat on the floor waiting for you to find me before these people - these feelings - trample over me and destroy me. I should have known better.
-Waiting.
Trying to continue my day while I feel every body part missing you, its like trying to reach the clouds with my own to feet. I feel my brain miss you with the constant thinking; feel my heart miss you with the constant pain, feel my body be cold because I no longer have your heat, feel my lungs miss you as it refuses to let me breath, painfully letting me know you became the air I breath to live. It feels like although you’re the one who has ‘ve decapitated my limbs, allowing the blood - my feelings - to harshfully pour out onto the floor where no one will reach them, yet I still try to reach out for you even though you’ve had your amusement and have long since then walked away from me. I’ts what I’ll always do because its all I’ll ever know to do. It’s Like you’ve took away any intelligence I had, replaced it solely with Knowledge about you and memories of you. Everything about you; from the way you laughed, the way your voice sounds, the way you use to write, to the way you got mad, jealous, angry. From the way you looked when you wanted to kiss me, the way you looked when you wanted to ask something, the way you looked when you were feeling insecure to the way you were while you were loving me. From all the weird things you loved, to stories about your childhood, your pain. I can’t forget anything about you. You’re etched onto me. Every night something constantly re-scratches you onto me, onto my thoughts. Excruciatingly forcing me to never forget you, making sure you’re cut right into me, making me constantly sore from the wounds. Day after day. Painfully making me remember everything about you, Forcing me to never ever let you go because you are all that I am.
- Missing you.
The thing is, for me yesterday is still the day you’ve left me. Every single day. It’s still yesterday. How can all of this have happened when in the back of my mind you’ve always loved me until yesterday. When did we drift apart like this if it was only yesterday? I hate myself for getting tricked by love, I should have listen to myself, to that voice that told me you’d only leave. You live tommorow, while I live today always remembering yesterday. Remembering & Not remembering, lets.. Lets just leave it as it is, someone told me once memories are a beautiful thing. They’re my only true gift of the love we had.
In my pierced heart the memories are flowing. I try to retain them and block my heart out. Even if my heart stopped I didn’t think it would hurt like this, I silently repeatedly say “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. You stupid idiot. I love you so much” I thought I finally hated you, but even my tongue refuses to lie to my empty room.
-Stuck in time.
Why?
Silent, it’s what I wish I wasn’t; I wish I could tell her how I feel. Tell her that every time she runs up to me with her cheeks tainted pink, every time she laughs at the foolishness running out of my mouth when I’m with her. That moment when I’m with her and my expression becomes that of an idiot. Tell her right then, right there, how much I adore her. How precious she is to me; how every time I close my eyes, I can see her. Tell her that even if I’m far away I know exactly what a beautiful, kind hearted person she is. I don’t want her to shatter, she’s too delicate and as a caution I’ll remain by her side. That’s what I told myself. But I know now, I need her as much as she needs me; she’s the light to my darkness in this world. I know she’s mine, I know she cares for me. I don’t need to speak out those words. She’ll understand - she always does, we’ll be together forever…
∞
I stare at her, unable to think straight. “I’m getting married tomorrow.” The words rang through my ears again, not leaving as if it was pleased by torturing me in her sweet, soft voice. I stare and stare at her, waiting for her to laugh and say she’s joking. She doesn’t. I feel myself bottle up everything I’d keep inside just like before I met her. I walk out, my brain blank. Ignoring the fact she doesn’t call after me, doesn’t chase after me as I walk out. She doesn’t run down the stairs to catch up with me. She doesn’t shout my name out from the window. Yet why am I running? She couldn’t have meant that. It was just a small argument, we would go back to laughing and being the close friends we were. She wouldn’t replace me with him. They were just friends, she told me that. I believed that. Now I don’t know what a lie is and what’s not, I close my eyes trying to think straight, instead I see her. I see her clouded brown eyes that looked at me as if I was far away, she loved me. Not him, me. I was sure of that. So sure that it hurt. I feel my throat swell up in my throat. Why?
My phone rang, my hands shake in the coldness of this dark night, I stare at the screen blinded by the light. I stare as if It would make everything go away. I picked up eventually, saying nothing. I thought at least hearing her voice would comfort all this pain I feel in my chest. I feel a strong, spiked metal wire surrounding my heart at her first word. “Hello…” she asked. I stay silent hearing my own strong breathing; I should have forgotten to bring my phone… She starts begging me to say something, I don’t. What could I say…? She knew how I felt. Why do I have to say it, even if I wanted to, I feel my throat clog up. I was suffocating,. Yet on the outside I didn’t move, I focused on breathing – I focused on hearing her words. She pleads with me as if I were a toddler – telling me to come back and talk to her, I say nothing. She stopped speaking.
I feel like someone is slowly slicing up every skin cell I have, with a knife that’s covered in perfume, helping add an extra sting as if the pain wasn’t already excruciating enough. Forget her? “How can I forget you?” I answer back in my head. Should I even put in an effort and try to forget? I’m slowly dying inside as she talks, will it go back to the way it was? Carefree times, her childishness giving me one I never had. Her smile forcing away every bad feeling I had. “I love you” she says quietly, interrupting my thoughts. The world stops as she waits for a response. If only time could stop right now, I don’t want her to say anything else, If only we could erase- “But your too scared to love me, it’s been to long…” The words I wanted to say back are frozen at my tongue as she spoke her second sentence. My throat which finally unclogged itself filled back up with burning nothingness – I grip at the top of my shirt with my free left hand. Tears that have never been shed in a long time manage scratch its way out and cloud the surface of my eyes. Word’s which I don’t want to believe are spoken in my ear as I stay as still as a predator which awaits the time to pounce on it prey. But no one realises I have become that prey; I feel her pulling at my heart strings with her words, as if to test if they would break. They do, I felt as if my heart was stretching with every breath. As is it just kept expanding…
I found myself in front of her door again, when did I start walking? Maybe I’m already dead. The door blocking our two worlds opened to reveal her small figure with a tear stricken face. “I love you” I blurted out barley noticeably, she stared at me blankly. Don’t pull such a still expression I thought, my heart aches as I feel anxiety fill me up. “I’ll always draw a smile on your face, just stay by my side.” I voiced out in my head. She quietly walked towards me and embraced me and whispered “You don’t, you just don’t want to lose me”. I felt my eyes widen at her response, I yearn for her. I believed in eternity, I can’t forget her – she made my life up. Every second that passed, a memory passes through my mind as if I were reading an old diary; as if it were all so far away.
I thought about what I should have done, forced her to believe me, placed her hand on my chest. Make her feel what she does to me, tell her no matter who else knocks on my heart’s door – she’s the only one I would let in. She’s the only one I’ve ever let in. Instead I left; I left after her simple words which claimed that she didn’t think I’d care for her. I never thought I’d leave her yet I found myself running away- lungs burning - from the torture and torment. Her future will be one without me, I wonder if we somehow met by chance; would she walk straight past me or give me a smile and continue on walking with her family? I run into my house, slamming the doors behind me as if it were a barrier that saved me from everything that just happened I walk into the kitchen and grab a knife the sharpest knife I know. Thoughts racing in my head, slide down the counters, emotionally drained just staring at what’s in my hands…
In my mind, my heart started beating faster as passion ran through it. However in reality, my brain was telling my heart to be nervous and asking it to run away for it life, yet it kept beating still in the same place. My heartbeats become louder and louder as I thought about the source which created this passion – how it is gone – forever given to someone else. My light in this world of darkness leaves me blind and vulnerable. “I live only for you.” Why would she think them empty words, She won’t ever believe the truth as it was always hidden - fabricated with overblown lies. I stare at the picture staring at me mockingly, how ironic: to show me her face as the last I’ll see – but I’m grateful… My vision gets blurry, suddenly I’m scared, her face slowly distorting while my pain seeps out of me in a flow of scarlet tears. My wound overflowing as the pain struggles to leave me all at once; I remember how stupid I was being. I close my eyes and see her face, her beautiful smile with her cheeks raised as high as ever, my fear sluggishly leaving me. No matter how far I am, I will always know what a beautiful, kind hearted person she is. I felt myself get colder, I love her. This way She’ll understand - she always does… “I live only for you”.
You and I
With the biggest smile I think I’ve ever managed in my life, I walk to the front of the aisle feeling a warm tingle in my stomach as my heart beats faster from all the excitement, nervously I look up at him instead of the bundles of pure white cloth that bunched together from my dress. He stood tall and incredibly surreal, in his black suit that completed the look of soft aura he had on him, waiting at the end for me - this was it – we’d be together forever. I tried to calm myself down as the music started- making everything so much more real. He caught my eyes, as I started walking towards him; I felt my own eyes glitter against my eyelids - as if my own heartbeat were transparent within them. Then he smiled at me, melting every perfect image of today into one, as if I were in a trance I continued to stare at him and walked closer and closer with the faintest blush visible on my cheeks. Finally I reach him, staring into his purple hinted orbs, the words being uttered drowning away as my attention was stuck on him. I managed to mutter a soft “ I Do” which followed after his own melodic one, the moment came to seal our happiness; I tip-toed and moved towards him as he slowly leaned down towards my own face. I hear a little girl giggle as our lips meet… As we walked outside, I was greeted with an old fashioned scarlet red scooter, magically he was already there waiting for me his black hair blowing softly in the wind. I got on behind him pulling up my dress as we drove off into a pathway in a forest of cherry blossom trees, I could see the different shades of pink petals fall in front of us as we slowly drove in. I hold on to his waist as I look up amazed by the beauty of it all – only to be greeted with us leaving the pathway up into the sky to greet the large glowing moon. It shined brightly as we flew past, I feel my heart skip a beat as fireworks lit up in the air around us, flying past the luminous shimmering moon…
I stir waking up, still hearing the little girl’s quite giggle ringing in my ears, I smile sadly at the fantasy I had. Awake from this dream the only thing encouraging me not going back into it was spending the day with him. He has a big place in my heart; he held me up when I was down, taking the falls for me, without hesitation he would be right there. He’s done so much for me, there’s nothing more I could ask for… I just wish he would ask me to marry him already. I sigh putting on some clothes then brushing my hair, I walk out towards his place to meet him.
I let myself in quietly then make my way to his room, I open the wooden door to his room and slowly open it, just popping in my head in around the door as he looks up at me, I stick out my tongue and wave at him with a uncontrolled smile.
∞
Hearing the squeaking door open, I look up towards it, greeted with her beautiful face. She sticks her tongue out at me and I chuckle softly. I put the book I was drawing in away in drawer next to my bed and smile back at her greeting her as she walks in, I pull off my duvet and she rushed to help me out of bed, I smiled sadly at the back of her head as she let me put an arm around her shoulder. She helped me sit on the floor and gave me another bright smile, She really didn’t need to do these things for me – she should just leave me and find something better – although I say this in my head, I dread the day she will leave and take my heart out the door with her. I smile back at her – she’s the first person to ever look past my scarred face and the fact I’m paralyzed from the waist down. I’m not a healthy person –I’m terminally ill, I wonder why she didn’t leave, out of fear of the hurt it will cause when I leave this world, like the rest. Then again, I also never tried to drive her away like I did with everyone else. I watch her as she puts on the game console and chooses a game, she comes back to join me as we lean against my bed frame. We Start to play the game furiously, she tries to cheat and covers my eyes but I smacked it away just in time to make her lose. I grin as she pouts at me, sulking in her lose – she pushed my shoulder making me lose my balance and fall. I tried to pretend it wasn’t hard for me to get up as she laughed softly showing her dimples as it turned into a smile.
As she helps me get on my wheelchair, we go outside – we pass by a wedding hall near my home and I watch her as she watches the happy couple walk out with harmless envy. I watch her as her cheeks dimple up smiling at them – I wish I could marry her, but I fear a harsh rejection which even I know will never happen. But I see no reason to lie to myself, how I could marry someone so beautiful without even fulfilling their dream marriage as the smallest bit of thanks. I would ruin the image by being up there in a wheelchair, she always told me her ideal man would be someone taller than her, I can’t stand up despite being taller than her – what good is that? How could I drive her away somewhere when I can’t even use my legs?
Lost in my thoughts, we were already almost home as she wanted to go make lunch, I smile at her angelic face and thank her, I told her I’d come inside after taking another stroll. I wheel myself towards the location of the biggest pair of stairs I’d seen. I go towards the edge of the stairs and stare at them in the darkness of this night. I gaze down the lengthy steps – it was a long way down - thinking about how much I must burden and trouble her. I feel the streetlights reflect from my eyes. No longer knowing how long I stayed there, still, hearing and ignoring the eerie noises of the dark. Feeling my eyes get teary from emotions running through me, I picture her face one last time; her bright smile reaching towards her eyes making them look smaller then they were, her smile lips emphasizing the deep dimples on her face. I close my eyes and wheel myself as far as the path goes. I take deep breath that breaks from my unsteadiness, I open my eyes – now filled with warm wet tears – I use my hands to wheel this bothersome chair as fast as it would possibly go. And faster.
I feel the wheelchair go over the edge, hear it as it falls along each step, breaking my heart with each strong and loud thud. I curse at the floor I now laid on, what a coward, I couldn’t go through with it. I lay there face down on the cold concrete floor, I try to push myself up but only manage to lift my upper body and slam back down to the hard, bitter floor. Forming my open fingers into a fist- I clench it. Feeling the hot tears flow down my face rebelliously – also leaving me like she should. I lift myself up with my left hand and continuously hit and attack the floor with my humiliation and hatred. Finally stopping to breath, I lay still frustrated with the situation I was in; my wheelchair was at the bottom of the stairs, I was at the top, with no way of going anywhere, I only just manage to turn my body around so I laid on my back. Staring up at the glowing moon, I Laugh, I’m going to die soon anyway I just need to keep seeing her face until I do.
After being helped by a kind by passer and having to repeatedly reassure them I was fine, I finally made it home. I wheel myself inside my house softly and quietly, preparing to be attacked by her but hoping she was asleep. I reach my room and slowly get in, she lay there sleeping on my bed with a very small smile on her face. I saw a small part of the pillow covered in tears and was immediately struck by a strong wave of guilt but that was overcome by my sense of determination. I quietly wheeled over to my drawer and got my sketchbook out. I started to draw her sleeping face and try to capture and portray the warmth that even that slightest millimetre of a smile give me.
As I was finishing up, she started to stir and woke up to see me finishing the sketch off, she jumped out of bed straight away to snatch it out my hand with giggles. She’s never seen it before, as I was too embarrassed to show her, she promised she wouldn’t look at it when I put it in my drawer but she told me as soon as it was out she would look at it with any needs necessary. I still remember her cheeky smile and her laughter ringing in my ears was enough to make me forget about all my troubles just for the slightest moment…
∞
I walk into the field full of our recollections, feeling the long growing grass around me, I hold out his sketch book letting it touch the height of the flowers as I pass by. Slowly I walk towards the little red scooter I bought, thinking about us, thinking about what I’d tell him. You and I together it just felt so right, never ever forgetting your face or memories. No matter what anyone tells me, no matter what’s wrong or right. You and I together we’re connected with one heart, no I’ll never say a good bye, even if the whole world decides to end. I feel the billionth tear role down my face, as if it was my heart scratching at my face in hatred of its life. It’s just you and I forever and ever; no matter what happens, even if the sky is falling down, I promise I’m never letting you go.
//Hi, my name is Yuukii Drifa and I was 16 years old. My mummy said I used to have the prettiest brunette hair and that my eyes used to be the shiniest light brown, I used to look around 12 years old, despite my age. I used to be healthy when I was little, I used to run a lot, I had many friends around me. I had a best friend, he grew up with me and he was my first love. That used to be my life… I used to be alive. //
You see, I have this weird illness; it’s similar to leukaemia but also very different. It’s a rare illness so the doctors don’t know what to do with me. I have medicine that barely works on me; there are two that I must take 3 times a day, one for emergencies and stabilizer injections everywhere. Ironically I hate needles and can’t withstand blood for long periods of time, but i must see these both very regularly. Joy.
I get worse day by day. My illness is causing irregular breathing; somehow I get worse depending on the feelings and emotions running through me, also my tears cause rain (sarcasm). I insisted my mother let me live a normal life, therefore nobody knew about my ‘condition’. My best friend, his names Leo, I remember telling him I liked him right before the school short break/holiday. He stared at me with his sapphire eyes dumbfounded, he didn’t say anything – when he finally did – he was staring at the floor. He stuttered and told me he needed to leave, I tried to look at his face but his orange tinted brown hair covered it. When he finally looked up he showed nothing on his features and walked start past me, downstairs probably to encourage his mum to leave our house. I started breathing heavily. I fell to the floor on my knees with a loud bang maybe that was because the house felt so suddenly quiet, regardless I clutched at my chest – it hurt. Why did he have to be so cruel? All I wanted was for him to at least smile at me… it hurt. I felt my lungs starting to swell up, I start gasping for air – begging for the pain to stop – I fall off my knees backwards with a louder thud. It hurt… My heart hurt and the side affect was my lungs feeling ready to explode. I felt cold, his emotionless eyes, the way he left – it was so cold. I forcefully tear away my hands from my chest and struggle to reach my duvet – cold. I give up, roll back on my back and try to suck in hair through my mouth as if I had no nose or as if my lungs seized to exist along with the oxygen from the earth for forever. My arms fall numb at my sides, my vision gets blurry yet his cold face remained as clear as ever – I close my eyes wanting to forget – I black out.
∞
I wake up in the hospital, I’m still alive… Suddenly I was hit with a rush of worry, did Leo know now? I look around and my mother and doctor were present. The doctor tells me about my condition, briefly, since I want no details, I never want details. My mother starts to cry – I wanted to cry but I promised myself if someone is crying because of me I wouldn’t cry – even if i wanted too, I stayed strong and held my tears in. She told me I would have to have surgery, she’s said she didn’t want to lose me too, she said they it should be as soon as possible because my body has been extremely damaged by the last attack. She told me I was in a coma for 5 days… that meant school starts tomorrow… I asked if Leo knew about my condition – I didn’t want pity from him. My mum reluctantly informed me that he didn’t, she said for some ‘unknown’ reason he wanted to leave right before my attack and we heard you fall, she told me that Leo’s mother understood what was happening from her panicked look and left before Leo could ask any questions.
I felt relived… I smiled at my mum as she tried to refrain from crying again. I remembered when my daddy died; he had the same illness as me, I cried everyday screaming for him to come back, my mummy told me he had to go somewhere for a while. When I calmed down enough I was sent back to school. I remember some girls being jealous that Leo was comforting me, they told me to shut up because my dad was dead and he was never coming back. I stopped crying straight away, I stared at them. Mummy told me people die when they’re older because that’s just the way life is – daddy wasn’t old at all – I continued to stare at the older girls as Leo got angry, he pushed them both to the ground, he screamed and shouted at them. He even punched a girl that claim she was “only saying the truth”. I’ve never seen Leo so angry, he loved my daddy too, he never had a father, my daddy would play with us both. He pulled me up from the floor and we never said anything for the whole day – I think that’s when I started to admire Leo.
My father was really young, he shouldn’t have died and now I was facing a life or death surgery because there was no other option – if it failed then I died. I wasn’t scared; I thought I’d get to be with my dad. The doctor came in and asked us if we have decided, my mum was about to say something but I interrupted her and told him I was ready, I told him I wanted to do it the day after tomorrow because I wanted to go to school tomorrow. He was going to protest so I started to beg him, he sighed at me and unwillingly agreed.
∞
I stared at myself in the mirror, my hair- they cut it short, I wonder what my friends will say. I already looked half dead. I asked the school to gather some of my chosen classmates in a room for me so I could talk to them, they agreed and most of the teachers now knew my situation and looked at me in pity that was the worst thing.
Nervous, I stand in front of the door, I sigh while walking in and taking a deep breath. I smile sheepishly as everyone stared at me. They started to speak straight away but stopped as I started to talk; I smiled again and told them everything. I asked if they were good friends they would treat me normally today, I knew I was being selfish but I wanted everything normal everyone looked at me in shock and most of them looked like they wanted to cry. I consoled them and told them to stay positive because I’m not going to die, I know I’m a liar but I wanted a normal day no matter what. I smiled at them again, no one knew what to say, I don’t blame them – what do you say to a girl who could potentially be dead tomorrow?
Suddenly I felt a really hard slap against my face, I turn my head back to look who it was, I smiled at her. Alierra stood there with her eyes filled with tears – so much sadness, I focused on my stinging cheeks instead. She started to cry really hard, Alierra was like my sister – she probably hated me for not telling her but knowing her she would just worry endlessly. She started trembling when I pulled her into a hug, we just stood they, I stroked her hair while she cried, I wanted to cry as I heard her wails and screams but I didn’t – I wouldn’t break my promise. As a result of the scene the whole room was filled with teary eyed people, I didn’t know what to say or do – there was nothing we could do.
As everyone calmed down, I asked them one more selfish promise. I asked them not to tell Leo about anything, no one wanted to agree but they would. A teacher came in the room and looked shocked at the scene, then she looked at me and couldn’t stop herself from getting teary. I giggled at her and said we were done so everyone returned to their lessons. Silently before Eitri left, I asked him if I could speak with him, I felt his angry stare at me. He was Leo’s closest friend and a brother to me. He was also angry with me for everything not only my decision not to tell Leo, I could tell he was struggling not to hit me like Alierra did. I told him I had one last favour to ask, he stared at me waiting, I told him my plan to make Leo forget me. Although he may not like me as I feel towards him, I know I still mean a lot to him which made me smile. My mummy hid the fact that Leo was trying to reach me, of course she never thought about my phone, it was full of missed calls and messages but I never had the courage to read them- so I didn’t.
Eitri looked at me as if I was crazy his brown eyes flaring with more anger. He turned to leave but I grabbed him arm stooping him from leaving, he looked at me eyes brimming with tears, he told me he didn’t want me to die, he said he couldn’t do that to Leo and I told him he could, I begged him quietly, I told him it could make me happier when I die. I know it was evil to use that against Eitri but he silently agreed and I hugged him in comfort, I t was awkward because he was a lot taller than me. I was making everyone cry today, I wish I didn’t promise myself but I did. I couldn’t break that promise, I wouldn’t.
∞
My time at school was almost at an end, the day was quite weird because everyone was forcing themselves to act normal and I could tell. After school they each hugged me as if I were dying. Oh, I was. I stayed inside that room as everyone left and thought. It’s time for m last act - the most important one. I walked away from everyone towards the back exit of the school, a hand grabbed mine and forcefully pulled me back to face them. I winced at the pain and then looked up to find Leo’s flushed face staring at me – he looked as if he ran all the way to catch up with me. I looked at him waiting, wanting to know what he would say. It looked like he didn’t know either. His mouth was hanging slightly open, all words stuck inside him. He continued to stare at me as if he didn’t know who I was then he softly asked me what I did to myself. I looked at him pretending to be confused, “I cut my hair, what about it?” I told him. He blinked as a response then asked me why I’ve been avoiding him, he told me he called a thousand times – that’s a lie he called 78 times – oh. He’s exaggerating. Simply I replied that I’ve been busy, he sighed and said we needed to talk about before. I told him we didn’t and asked him to release his grip on my hand he refused and continued to question me, getting angry every time I replied with shorter sentences. It turned to an argument, he shouted at me asking why I was acting the way I was if I liked him, I told him that had nothing to do with anything. He lowered his voice and said “Yes it did. Because when you love someone you’ll do anything to make them happy, not make them angry.” I stared at him coldly, “Who said I loved you? I only said I liked you nothing more. He stared at me in disbelief, at that moment Eitri came over and kissed my cheek while hugging me, he told me my mother was waiting and whispered he would come see me tomorrow. I smiled and told him thank you, which was meant in more ways than one, while walking away. I felt hot fresh tears fall down my face as I walked further, I heard them argue as I turned the corner, I saw Leo picking him up from the floor and punch him again – Eitri never fought back when he could – I felt extremely egocentric, but I hope they both understand after all I’d do anything to make him happy and in a long run this was the only way.
∞
They’re operating on me now, I’m supposed to be unconscious yet I can hear everything around me, they’re finished. They wait to see if it’s successful or not. I lay there listening – thinking – I could already feel my lung hurting again, that’s not supposed to be happening. I hear Leo’s panicked and angry voice conversing with someone. Realization hit me as I struggled to find the meaning of the conversation; someone had called him and told him. I cough abruptly, as if my heart would jump out of my body with it. A sudden strong thud vibrated against my body…
I hear the doctors and nurses trying to stabilize me, I hear Eitri and my mother crying as they’re sent out the room. But most strangely I hear Leo’s breathing the clearest, I hear him panting because he’s breathless yet he runs. I feel him running as if I were the ground he ran onto, every step – I cough – another thud vibrates through my body, I hear my heart stopping yet the strong pulses force it to work. I stop coughing and start gasping for air as my heart slowly stops, I hear the horrifying sounds I make and wish I would stop, it frightens even me. I feel Leo running up stairs, he felt so close, each step sent another strained thump against my heart forcing me to hold on. All of a sudden he stops, and so does my wheezing and struggles to hold onto life, I hear the heart monitor indicate I’m dead.
The doctors and nurses stop working on me, it felt like eternity until they left but I hear a loud slam as the door opens again, I feel him
struggle against the doctors as he forces his way in, then he sees me and stops. I feel him stare at me in disbelief, I feel it as if I could see through my eyelids with amazing detail. He slowly sits next to me as the doctors look at him in sympathy and leave. He bends his head to look at the floor, eyes covered by his hair. Softly he calls me an idiot, he lifts his head up and I watch as his blue eyes shine while he sheds tears for me, almost as if an ocean was losing its water, I felt scared that he would lose all colour in them and it would remain looking like a former sea that has dried up.
He called me an idiot again. Each time his raising his voice as if it wasn’t loud enough, it gets louder overfilling with pain, he was shouting at me. I felt him grab my shoulders and scream at me to wake up. My throat felt dry as I wanted to cry, Leo Was crying. He never cried, he was always so strong no matter what happens. It hurt- I wanted to wake up to tell him to stop- to tell him I was okay. Instead I feel my head fall back as he grabbed my shoulders, I feel him get desperate. He cried hysterically and started to shake me. It was amazingly scary to see him like that, I felt him hurting tremendously I wanted it to stop. I wanted to wake up – anything to make him end his grieving. I could feel his pain mixed together with my own- so intense, I started to cry although I broke my promise nothing came out, it hurt too much. I couldn’t handle both our aching for each other. I couldn’t speak; I scream at him, to make him hear me, nothing happens. I cry and cry and cry but still no tears come out. I screamed at my hands to move – to hold him but they stayed limp, ignoring me, mocking me in disobedience. I feel my heart breaking as he crashes me into a hug pleading with me to wake up, he starts apologizing – begging me – he never begged either… I hear him quiet down telling me in a softer, gentler tone to stop playing and wake up. He continued to apologize, he whispered in my ear that he loved me, he was only confused when I told him about my feelings. I started to cry, shaking uncontrollably yet remaining unmoved. I cried – he cried – we both continued to cry. I feel his cries and pleas get weaker and weaker, I couldn’t hear him anymore. Darkness creeps over my sight as I struggle to look at him through closed eyes, my heart disintegrates, I call out daddy as darkness engulfed me.
The meaning/Story behind my Tumblr Name(s)
